One Year Ago
One year ago today I had to call an ambulance to take my Mom to hospital. She fought me and told me she didn't want to go, she said she'd never come home again. She was right.
And so began a long 6 weeks of watching her slowly fade away. With all the bad things that happened to her in the hospital I wished I'd kept her at home. That is my regret and one I second guess myself about almost daily. It's eating away at me slowly, and no matter how hard I try I can't put it out of my mind for long, it always comes back. The what if's...
Labels: Family
posted by Rositta @ Thursday, April 03, 2008
17 Comments:
I'm sorry about the loss of your mom. Sometimes, these endings are not what we imagine for ourselves. For all the help a hospital and the medical community can give, it can be a demoralizing and degrading process to be at such a place at the end of life.
My dad cheated us of all of this by dying quite abruptly. My mom was in and out of hospitals the last 2 years of her life. I'd take my dad's exit any day. Be well Rositta. I'm sending warm thoughts your way.
It's hard to know what to say. From my humble experience, there isn't anything one can do except make peace with your soul someday somehow and give yourself the gift of forgiveness. Harder to do than say, I realize.
Hugs to you from Athens
rudee, your Dad was lucky in a way, that's the way I want to go too..
Kat, love ya and can hardly wait to see you again...hugs
The "what-ifs", how they can haunt us! Rositta, you did what you thought was best at the time. Who knows what would have happened if you would have kept your mom at home. I know your feelings, though. I still feel guilty about each time I was impatient with my mom. Take care of yourself. Hugs!
Just want you to know that you're in my thoughts today. Your mom would be unhappy knowing you have this guilt. Throw it away- for her sake.
I'm so sorry Rositta.
I can't imagine how it must hurt but you need to convince yourself that you did what you thought was best. We are taught that hospitals make us better, that doctors treat our illnesses and you followed your best judgement.
Hug!
what would she want? you to beat yourself up? no, i don't think so. you did what you thought was right at the time and that is all you could have done. get a balloon and blow it up putting that bad stuff inside it and let it go into the wind...
smiles, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
So sorry Rositta.
It is never easy to know what to do for the best in these situations.
If you had kept her home and she had needed something medical urgently or got into pain you might be beating yourself up over that too.
My Dad spent his last month in a hospital. It wasn't nice but 12 years on I don't think it would have been any easier for anyone with him home. It's a very individual thing. Also 12 years on I do not dwell too much on his last month but on his whole life of which his suffering was only a small part.
I am sure your Mum wouldn't want you feeling guilt over this.
You are all correct, I need to get rid of this guilt. Maybe I need a little professional help to do so. The problem is that there were errors made in my Mothers case and no matter how pro active I tried to be it wasn't enough. Elderly people, women in particular are not treated very well in hospital here in Canada, that's another post. Thank you all, I had intended to close comments on this post and forgot, but it was nice of you all to write...hugs to all
Rositta, it was a very hard I'm sure for you to go against her wishes but you know it could have gone the other way. Perhaps it was her time and as Bee says she wouldn't want you to blame yourself.
Take care of yourself now.
I have an area of similar guilt, and have had a little success at easing it by accepting I can only make decisions based on the information I had at the time - and when the decision is made in the other person's best interest, it has come from the right place in your heart.
I am sorry you lost your mother.
oh dear, i know we feel guilty after all the best that we did. sometimes it isn't the best after all. but i'm sure your mom knows that you tried...things will pass.
my prayers on her death anniversary.
would'a could'a should'a what'ifs they all suck. we are all guilty of them even at the best of times.
hang tight girlie. never had to make that decision so i cant relate.
i do wish you well and that you can put this to rest in your mind so you can live on for your mother.
hugs to you Rositta
I feel so much for you Rositta. You made the best choice at the time and even though your mom said what she said it doesn't make YOU responsible; the reality was that she was ill.
The night before my sister died, my mom went with her to the hospital (they thought it was the flu, no one realized she would pass away the next morning even though her cancer was terminal). As my mother was leaving she leaned over to kiss my sister and my sister (the cancer was in her brain and she was on alot of meds) said something about the garlic and onions on my mother's breath (from the dinner they had had). My mother felt so guilty that this was effectively the last exchange they had and really tore herself up for it for the longest time. I continued to remind my mom that all the memories, moments and events of her relationship with my sister where what was truly important NOT the last thing she heard from my sister. Your mother's fears, true or not, were not the sum total of your relationship with her and you should not punish yourself for that.
She understands you did the best you knew how, Rositta. Don't beat yourself up any longer, this would grieve her. She's fine now, and would want you to do better with your time. Might even give you a nudge to complete that "list" you made.
I'm going to take the advice of Empress Bee. On the 12th of May which is the day she died, I will get a big balloon and blow all my regrets into it. Then I will let it out to the wind, and that will be that. Thank you all.
Sorry Rositta, I missed this post.
I agree with what another poster said. You did the best you could at the time. The "shoulds" and "could have's" will eat you up.
Your mom loves you. She knows that you love her. She would not have wanted you to be sad for your decisions. You are a good daughter.
There is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better.
Yet, I wonder, if a friend went through the same experience, would you be judging them as you are judging yourself?
Knowing you through your blog, I don't think you would be as hard on your friend as you are on yourself.
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