Heroic Medical Intervention - Who Decides
My husband flew to Greece to be at his very ill Mom's bedside on Thursday. Things are not looking good. She has thyroid cancer which has metastasized to the lungs and lymph nodes. She is having difficulty breathing.
Steve is not alone there, he has his brother and sister for support and I get twice daily updates. The brother (who considers himself head of the family) has decided in his wisdom that there would be surgery to remove the thyroid. The doctor has said it's the only way to allow her to breathe and not asphyxiate to death. He has also said that he would not be able to get all the cancer but there would be follow up radiation which would buy her some time, may 6 to 8 months. A cure is not in the cards. The health care system in Greece is public but surgeons are always given a few thousand Euros under the table. I can't help but wonder if this is why he wants to operate.
I have two concerns and have voiced them to my husband but really I have no input here. The first is that they have not told her about the surgery only that she will feel better on Monday! The second is that my MIL is 83 years old. How in the world will she be able to cope with radiation assuming she survives the surgery. Oh yes, did I mention, the doctor gives only a 50/50 chance that she will survive the surgery. Steve is torn I sense that, he said to me "if they don't operate she will die and I can't watch it". I know exactly how he feels having gone through it with both my parents.
All I can do is hope for the best possible outcome on Monday. I won't say what I think that should be. All I know is this; my MIL should have been given a choice to decide for herself.
posted by Rositta @ Saturday, April 04, 2009
10 Comments:
to not tell her and let her make her own decision is disrespecting her i think. but i understand you don't have a voice here. too bad, i'm really sorry to see this.
hugs, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo
It's a sad situation, but I think if your MIL is coherent and of sound thinking, she should be told the truth and she should be the one to decide. That is what I would want for myself.
I understand the cultural issues at work here in not wanting her aware of her situation. It's not what I would want for myself, but it is a way some cultures cope. We cannot judge because we weren't raised that way. If I had a tumor pressing on my airway, I may want it out too-despite my chances. Hopefully, they can debulk the tumor, and she can have a more peaceful passing than what is otherwise in store for her. I'll be praying for you all.
Love,
Ruth
Ms. Bee, she does not have dementia and yes flydragon, she should be told the truth, but I guess I have been looking at this through our standards. Rudee, you are right, the cultural thing is what I forgot in all this. I shouldn't have and I guess I should stop judging through my standards. Thanks for your words of wisdom.
I am sorry for your MIL. I'm also sorry your husband has to go through this. You and I both know how hard this is. Thinking of you.
So sorry to hear of this Rositta. I will say a prayer for all of you to get through this the best you can.
Further to what Rudee said, it's a difficult situation. I have a cross-cultural issue in my home -- I have my wishes written out, but I have no guarantee they will be carried out because I'm living here amongst people who think differently. My partner has no wishes written (which is customary), so I'll be left to fight his family as a foreigner if something happens.
Sometimes parents want their children to choose; sometimes they know exactly what they want. As she is medicated, I don't know how able she feels to make that decision, and I don't know if the children would accept it even if she did.
And as we talked about, your husband lost his status somehow by going abroad, even though he is the oldest. That happened to me also.
Whatever happens, I'll be thinking of all of you, wishing the kindest result, whatever that may be.
Kat, I just don't trust the doctors which is a real problem for me. I'm so conflicted because I've been through it twice. I will now keep my mouth shut and support my husband in whatever decision is made. Rudee has a point that I didn't consider. Maybe removing the tumor will let her have an easier death. It was good to talk to you.
I cannot believe the doctors would not tell her and let her choose, unless she is incapable mentally of such a decision. What about informed consent? My father is struggling with end stage brain cancer, and it is heartbreaking to watch a loved one in that condition. I hope your MIL's outcome is the best for her, no matter what.
Voyager, it's a different way of doing things in Greece as Kat said. She is of sound mind but she's really in bad shape. I guess the children feel justified in making decisions for better or worse. I have decided not to judge or berate my husband when he phones, just to support him. I will also put my wishes in writing so that no one can do that to me. What is so hard to live with is that the doctors told my sweetie that the cancer has been growing for at least 8 years and none of her checkups found it. That's incompetence.
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